It's I Have Issues meets The Only Reviews You'll Ever Need in the latest BoD Team-Up adventure!
LostScribe -
When we first started this article we were going to call it “Horrible moments that make you ashamed to like comics and forces you to take shit from your friends who you assured were going to see an awesome movie list!” In the end that title was decided to be too long.
Disclaimer: After being burned by comic movies such as the ones below I have come to be very suspicious of them, so I don't watch many of them anymore unless I like the creators on them. So for instance I have never seen a Ghost Rider movie. So most of my choices are older ones and I am sure that I missed other more ridiculous moments. Still you can't deny, that my choices suck.
5. Ang Lee's “Hulk”
Any scene using comic panels.
This movie is a snoozer and for a movie about a man-monster that destroys shit and gets into fights over the littlest thing that is unforgivable. I still really enjoy the Hulk versus that tanks and choppers at the end but that is pretty much the only thing good in the entire film. The worst part is by far when the movie transitions using comic panels. It's a head scratcher for sure. It's as if the creators said, “you know comic readers love those white borders that hold the drawings in, why has no one else thought to incorporate that in a comic movie! We will be the toast of the town and carried around comic con on those pillow thrones as we get our pick of any hot cosplay model we want!” Why don't they use that same logic when they adapt novels to the big screen? Maybe they could put page numbers on every scene or show a hand flipping pages for a transition shot? No I got it, when they adapt a video game they could put a life bar above the characters, or have flashing Enter Player 2 at the top of the screen! See how much fun it is when you start to make stupid shit up!
4. Superman 2
Cellophane shield
It's almost more painful when a movie gets so much right and then fucks it up with a few bad scenes. Superman has a laundry list of superpowers so why they had to add a few more to his arsenal I have no idea. None of these is more ridiculous than the cellophane shield and no matter how much you try to rationalize the other powers (superkiss yeah I could buy that!) the cellophane is just too stupid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uS9GJNETHsw
3. Daredevil
Playground fight!
This scene is stupid but it really is more of a personal choice. So my family knows nothing about comics and I am telling them how hardcore awesome Daredevil is. Sure Ben Affleck (at the time) wasn't the best actor and okay Bullseye doesn’t have his costume and now Kingpin is black, it's all fine because Daredevil is cool and his coolness will transcend these minor quibbles. Then this shit happened and I lost all credibility as a full proof source for movie recommendations. This was the point in the movie where I could no longer make excuses, much like sex with a smelly chick or a bad expensive dinner, I was just gonna have to power through.
2. Spiderman 3
Bad Peter.
How could all the original actors and the original creators fuck up a third movie after two good ones and featuring arguably the best Spider-Man villain? The answer
1. Batman & Robin
The whole fucking movie!
“This move is awesome!” -said by no one ever.
To pick out one scene is an exercise in futility. Even more amazing is the cast in this travesty! George Clooney, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Alicia Silverstone (at the time) that is some star power right there! Joel Shumaker gets all the blame but no one man could create this masterpiece in bad filmmaking by their lonesome so listed below are others responsible.
Akiva Goldsman
Mitchell E. Dauterive
William M. Elvin
Peter Macgregor-Scott
Benjamin Melniker
Macheal E. Uslan
Full list of those responsible
You all know what you did now go sit in a corner.
J. Ryan Buck (Lostscribe@gmail.com)
Caliber Winfield
5. - Wolverine Weighing A Ton - X-Men Origins: Wolverine
In X-Men: Origins, Wolverine has adamantium grafted onto his bones. After this happens, he discovers that the people who did this to him were a bunch of no-goodniks, and intended to use him for bad. So, he escaped and wound up at a local farm. The couple took him in, and later the man of the house gave Wolverine a motorcycle. When he sat down on it, the bike went down really far on the shocks, because of the weight of the adamantium. Why is this stupid? If the adamantium grafted to his bones makes him so heavy, then how come the wooden chair in the kitchen didn't bust when he sat down? When he jumped into a lake, why didn't he just sink? Why isn't he breaking all pieces of furniture and such when he sits down, and how is he even able to walk around if he weighs that much? I know that's classic nerd over-thinking, but it's a moment that really annoyed me. Granted, the film isn't fantastic, and has a lot of stupid moments [Deadpool, for one], but this one just really stuck out to me.
4. – Memory Erasing Kiss - Superman II
Superman II is a damn good film. The Richard Donner cut is even better. However, there's one moment that sticks out to all fans as one of the dumbest moments ever. Throughout the beginning of the film, we see Lois start to piece together everything and come to the realization that Clark Kent is in fact Superman. For an ace reporter though, it's rather surprising that a pair of glasses and a comb-over keep her from figuring out who he is. Anyway, Superman finally comes clean, telling Lois the truth. Afterwards, Superman goes human, gets his ass kicked, reverts back to Superman, and tells Lois they can't be together because his enemies would hurt her to hurt him. She cries a bunch, and Superman decides it's best to not listen to her whine forever. So, he kisses her and it erases her memory. It has to be the laziest get-out-of-a-painted-corner that we've ever seen in a film. A superkiss?! What the absolute hell? It had never been done in the comic books before, making it even more obvious that this was just a hackneyed plot device to get out of Superman and Lois having a relationship. Couldn't they have just done the 'it was all a dream' deal like they did in the comics? I imagine someone suggested that, but it was shot down for being too stupid.
3. – Captain America Riding A Rocket - Captain America [1990]
Perhaps we can blame Batman 1989 for this one. When that film was released, it quickly became one of the biggest films of all time. So, studios were looking to cash in and milk some properties. Marvel thought they'd try their hand with two of their most popular titles: Fantastic Four and Captain America. Fantastic Four never saw the light of day, outside of bootlegs, but we weren't so lucky with Captain America. As the film gets going, Rogers is turned into Captain America, and sent smack dab into The Red Skull's head-quarters. He arrives in the nick-of-time, as Red Skull is readying a nuclear missile right towards the White House. Before he's able to stop this bit of nasty business, he's captured and strapped to it. Meanwhile, a family is vacationing in Washington DC, and the precocious youngster of the fam heads out into the night with his camera to snap pics of the monuments. As he's taking pictures with his 1940s camera, he all of a sudden sees a rocket headed towards the White House. During the time between Germany and the U.S., Cap' was able to free himself and just before the rocket hits the White House, he pulls on it, steering it in a different direction. Of course, at the very moment he yanks on the missile, the kid, with his 1940s camera is able to snap a clear cut picture of Cap's face as he straddles the rocket. He of course keeps this picture, goes on to become President of the US, and realizes that the Captain America he's been fighting crime with is in fact the man he took a picture of who was straddling a rocket, low those many years ago. Could have been worse, Seth Rogen could have written it.
2. – Every Scene With Ryan Reynolds from Blade: Trinity
Blade kicks ass. His original film was the first real release from Marvel that was kick-ass. His second film upped the ante, and contains one of the best sword fights in film history. The third one? Well....it's got an interesting plot, with the actual Dracula being real, and modern day vampires resurrecting him to help them deal with the Daywalker. Once their plan gets into motion, Blade has to have some assistance from The Nightstalkers, a group of young vampire hunters. There are two of them who really get into the thick of it, played by Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds. Now, I dig Ryan. He's a good actor. I have no beef with him, except for this film. He single-handedly ruins it with his unbelievably bad jokes and hipster humor. He's that guy who you see at a party, or some sort of social function that tries so hard to be funny and then laughs at his own jokes. There's nothing funnier than someone who laughs at their own jokes. He even pulls out the classics like “Aaaalllll righty then!” as he laughs and laughs. That's Ryan's character. At one point, he tells Blade that he should have some therapy sessions, to which Blade glares at him. Ryan responds with “I've had a lot of sugar today,” and boy howdy, is that a knee slapper! The film is FILLED with this kind of crap, and ruins it without mercy. On the plus side though, he does fight Triple H, and we get to see vampire vibrators.
1. – Playground Fight - Daredevil & Elektra - Daredevil
Daredevil gets a bad-rap. The theatrical version is deserving of it, but the director's cut isn't. There is one thing both have in common, though: the absolute dumbest scene in comic book movie history. Daredevil is hanging out at a restaurant as his normal self, Matt Murdock, when Jennifer Gardner/Elektra shows up, and he aims to put the moves on her. She shrugs it off and leaves, so he follows. What happens next is so asinine it defies description. They start this Crouching Tiger-style of wire-fighting right there in the park, doing flips, and super jump kicks, and mid-air blocks and everything else you'd see a freaking blind lawyer doing mid-day. SERIOUSLY?! Who the hell isn't going to take notice of this? Why on Earth would Matt think this is productive and conducive to him keeping his secret? I mean, if they insist on them doing this stupid flirt-fighting, why can't they at least have it grounded in reality? Also, flirt-fighting does not work. I've given plenty of females piledrivers before I realized that it just doesn't work. Although I haven't completely ruled it out of my game.
Requests, mailbag, you can find me at faucetofslfame@hotmail.com. Or the comments section.
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WCW In 2000 - Recently updated with a Nitro, which is the worst one thus far. Easy.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1 - Endorsements from Scott Keith & Maddox, constant 5 star ratings on amazon, and loved by fellow BoD'ers. The only book dedicated to action movies that you can use as an assault weapon and pillow.
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