By, J. Ryan Buck (Lostscribe)
Ultimates #5
“Hulk Does Manhattan”
July 2002
Goddamn am I old! I pulled this comic
out of the box and said to myself, “this issue kicks ass and is one
of the best single issues I ever read. I was like when did this come
out? It must have been like 2008 or something, it was at least four
years old. This shit came out in 2002!
July 2002 was when Men In Black 2
released and for some of us, okay I'm being nice, Most of us this was a major disappointment.
Also in July of 2002 one of the
greatest baseball players of all time passed away, Ted Williams.
Now when I say this is one of the
greatest single issues, I do not mean that it was a life changing
atom bomb in my brain Neil Gaiman Sandman issue. I mean this comic
had me laughing out loud, tapping my foot in excitement and I read it
over again as soon as I finished. The writer here is Mark Millar who
is no stranger to humor as well as blistering action. With him is the
innovator of the “Widescreen” art method that he started in “The
Authority” and really cultivated here in “The Ultimates.” Bryan
Hitch. A Bryan Hitch comic is the one you want to give to your buddy
who loves Michael Bay movies but refuses to read comics.
Previously in the Ultimates Nick Fury
(Samual L. Jackson) has assembled the most powerful team of
superheroes to combat evil that can not be handled by one single hero
alone.
He named them “The Ultimates!” (His original title for
the team was “The Badass Motherfucker Gang!” but the news kept
calling them the Bad-expletive Mother-expletive club and it lost some
of it's luster with the censoring.)
Ultimates Roll
Call!
Captain America
Iron Man
Hulk
Giant Man (Hank
Pym)
Wasp (Janet Pym)
Thor (Not a member
at this time)
Dr. Banner has had
a rough four issues at this point. He was replaced as head of the
Super soldier program and then when he tried to recruit Thor into the
team he was talked down to by the god. He's just gone through a trial
separation from his fiance Betty who is now going out with Freddie
Prinze Jr. (I did not make that up, it is in the story.) Banner has
had enough at this point and mainlines a concoction of Hulk serum
and Cap's super-soldier blood. He's now taking out his frustrations
on New York and it's up to the newly formed Ultimates to bring the
man-monster down for the first official mission of the team.
As we
open the issue Giant Man is already huge and is being flown in on a
giant size harness by a helicopter as he surveys the damage. The Hulk
has been on the loose for ten minutes and has really fucked things up
all over New York city. The Shield team is talking about the antidote
that Banner created for turning him back from the Hulk. He even made
it with an adamantium needle so it could peirce his skin. Stark is
quick to point out that they still need to be able to get close
enough to inject the monster with it. They made a formal request to
Thor to join him in the fight but he has refused until President Bsush
double his foreign aid budget. Captain America mentions that it is
still four against one and that he hasn’t lost a fight since 1942.
(Millar writes the best Captain America in my opinion. He's
straight forward and not afraid of anything. He really is like your
tough as nails grandpa back when he was young enough to do more then
talk!)
Next we get an
amazing two page splash of the Hulk just out of his mind with rage.
You just know he is going to rip the Ultimates a new one!
Hulk is
climbing the side of the building and calling Betty to come out
while Betty is on her cell phone asking Nick Fury to send everything
he has down. Hulk mentions that he is hornier than a-- but before he
can finish the sentence that would give the internet plenty of
reasons to write more slash fiction, Giant Man covers Hulk up with
his hands.
Giant man instructs Bruce to calm down because he is going
to count to ten and when he is finished he wants him nice and
relaxed. Before Pym even starts the count Hulk pulls the giant hands
apart and leaps onto Hanks face. Knocking him down as he destroys
buildings with the fall. In a nasty panel, Hulk pulls open Hanks
mouth and tells him that he is going to rip off his skull and use it for a toilet bowl. (Leave it to Mark Millar to write things we
cannot not unread.) Just as the Hulk is about to practice what he
preaches, a blue blur carries him away from Hank.
The
blue blur is the energy from Iron Mans flight boots as he pushes Hulk
across the sky and requests for Fury to give him an empty building to
slam Banner into. Fury mentions that in 10 seconds he will have a
three mile radius clear for him to contain the hulk. Stark mentions
that in 10 seconds the Hulk will have peeled his way through the suit
and down to his G-string. (Again thank you Mr. Millar for
another image I cannot unimagine.) Fury
gives Stark coordinates for Grand Central Station which has just been
cleared. Tony slams the Hulk into the ground and as they both get up
he is firing away with everything he has but the Hulk is just walking
through it. Like a big kid with an action figure, Hulk just pulls
Stark's mask off and starts to squeeze his head claiming that he is
hungry. Stark tell's Hulk to “Eat this, moron!” and lets loose a
thought scrambler at full power. Hulk is puking as Stark says he is
going to unload his reserves on Banner but that he will need to get
himself powered back up. Iron Man shoots the grey behemoth out of the
top of GCS and Wasp is up next as it is her turn to try to get Banner
to forty-second and fifth where Cap is waiting for him.
Hulk slams into
the street and as he sits up, Janet is pulling her top down trying to
get Hulks attention, it works! Hulk looks very interested as Fury
mentions that Janet has a double phD and the only thing she can think
of to use is the Mardi Gras special. Wasp is just managing to stay
away from the grey love machine and is asking if Cap is ready because
her wasp stings aren't doing shit to the Hulk. Fury tells Wasp to zip
away, it's Cap's turn!
(Quick interlude, I noticed that all
the ads in this comic are seemingly geared towards little kids.
You've got a Juicy Fruit ad where you can win a Gamecube and Gameboy
color. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers stone DVD. Tang ad with an
orangutang riding a motorcycle, a Scooby Doo Dvd ad and a Rice
Krispies ad. I'm not saying little kids did not read this comic, but
I am pretty sure the ad execs did not review the material because
this comic is definitely not for children!)
Although do you
ever really outgrow a monkey riding a motorcycle?
The
Hulk is staring into the sky as a freaking tank is dropped onto him!
Hulk recovers and reaches into the tank and pulls Steve out. Cap
gives the Hulk a two boot salute and then follows it up with some
badass moves! Punch to the nose followed by a kick to the groin right
into a shield to the face and transitioned into a leg sweep to bring
Banner to the ground.
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Cap
leans over an unconscious Hulk while Fury asks, “you just take down
the Hulk?” Cap replies, “Banner's not the only one around here
with Super-Soldier serum pumping through his heart, chum.” (You
have to love Millar's use of corny slang for Steve Rogers. It just
further conveys the message that this guy is from another time.) Just
as the needle is about to go into Banners neck, the Hulk snaps to and
then snaps Cap's hand as well as the needle. Fury realizes that they
are now in deep shit and need to go into preparations for the back up
plan, nuke New York!
Hulk continues to
pound Cap into the ground when a streak of lightning comes down and
knocks the Hulk for a ride. Hulk looks into the sky with a pissed
face and then gets smacked upside the head with Thor’s hammer!. A Shield
agent gives a message to Fury that the White House just doubled the
International aid budget. Thor pounds Hulk with his hammer! And
pounds! And pounds!
Then Thor stops and says, “Your jaw is broken,
your ribs are cracked and one of your lungs has just been punctured Banner. Have you tasted enough of Mjolnir yet?” Hulk looks at Thor
with a smile on his face and replies, “Nah, Thor's hammer just make
Hulk horny for Betty again.” Then Hulk calls Thor a hippie and
swats him across the New York skyline.
Shield is now
airlifting Betty Ross and Freddie Prinze Jr. out of New York and Hulk
tosses aside Cap and Iron Man as he climbs a building to reach the
chopper. Hulk screams, “Freddie Prinze can't love you like Banner
does Betty!” Classic line. He then grabs onto the side of the
helicopter as they fly away from the city.
Thor asks if Cap
is using Betty as bait to lure Hulk out to sea? Cap replies that is
only the plan if the other three plans he has do not work. He then
asks Wasp if she is inside Banners head. She is swimming through his
earlobe and is sending a sting into his brain. Janet makes contact
and Hulk screams in pain as he falls from the chopper and lands hard
onto the ground.
Cap approaches
Banner who is now back to his nerdy scientist self and is begging for
them not to hurt him. Bruce claims that he was only trying to come up
with a menace the team could get together and fight. He's hoping that
Steve who is holding his broken arm as he walks to him is not going
to punch or kick him because he really just could not handle it. Cap
mentions that they are a team and why would he hurt him? He says he
just wants to to make sure he gets his cuts and bruises taken care
of, especially the nasty gash on his cheek. Banner responds that he doesn't have a gash on his cheek. Rogers sends a steel toed red
boot across Bruce's cheek slicing it open! “You do know son.”
Just a great issue
from a great series. The Ultimates had a lot to do with how the
Avengers movie and it's solo features would be portrayed. Joss Whedon
(Director of the Avengers) is a huge fan of the series and the real
world take on the Marvel universe along with the “Widescreen” art
helped push the Marvel properties into the peoples minds of, hey
this could work as a franchise! Millions of dollars later it has
become the staple of what to do when making superhero movies! So
popular and successful that even the DC Universe is planning to go
the same route.
All this money flowing and I bet Mark Millar and
Bryan Hitch aren't seeing a dime of it! There is no justice in the
real world.
All previous installments here! http://lostscribe0.blogspot.com/
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